Unjemarkable, yet still valid

CEO told me, "even people you look up to, they're also trying to figure life out". Nobody has it all figured out — having more questions than answers is perfectly valid.

Oftentimes, I don’t feel “Jemarkable” enough, it might be surprising for some, especially to those who look up to me for personal finance and career advice.

Honestly, there were times when I felt too powerless that I was allergic to any form of growth stories how someone got unstuck, how they accelerated to millions and billions in their twenties, how they look good and feel good while I was the total opposite. It’s human.

For instance, I had a five-year Instagram hiatus when I felt too fat to be Instagrammable. I had double chins. Pimples populated my face like overlapping constellations. My body shape was worse than a Coca-Cola, it was the silhouette of a kettle, but a hundred kilogram one.

I shunned the world until I had a face again.

Even in academics, this spilled over. Yes I joined math olympiad, but I was second tier back then, reserved for “easier” competitions. Yes I qualified in a leading university, but I wasn’t Summa Cum Laude standing, at some point not even Magna Cum Laude standing.

The pressure never ends.

They say that it’s valid to be mediocre, but societal judgement tells otherwise. That pressure isn’t just personal—it’s baked into the air we breathe here.

It’s true in the “kiasu” culture in Singapore where highest grade A’s aren’t celebrated, excellence was “expected” at school, work, home — pressure never rests. This is also rampant across East Asia, leading to “karoshi (過労死)” tendencies in Japan and “lying flat (躺平)” behavior in China. It’s not surprising that almost everyone in South Korea is attempting to be a good looking oppa (or noona), who’s also smart and wealthy, because there’s an unspoken societal expectation to perform. Even their military men had well-elaborated skincare routine. However, just because it’s everywhere doesn’t mean it should be normalized.

Zoom out far enough and the whole planet starts to look like one giant arena. This system existed long before me. Like in the fictional world of pirates, this world revolves around wealth, fame, and power, with no time to pause, breathe, or relax.

I’m playing that game. Yet sometimes, I get burned out too. And sometimes I wanted to stop playing. But, like a player in Squid Game, there will be adverse consequences.

So I kept playing, but which game to play exactly? Is it worth it in the first place? It’s a mix of wanting to slow down yet wanting to have enough to be happier, wanting to chill yet wanting to get promoted, wanting to enjoy the race yet trying hard not to be the last person to cross the finish line, wanting to shout my frustrations yet still expected to be “demure” and “mindful”, and ultimately wanting to give up yet hoping I won’t disappoint.

Some days the tug-of-war wins. Other days, I call it a draw.

I seem to have accepted that grief and joy can coexist. It’s our first time to have this life, kudos for making it this far. Yet somehow, sometimes, I’m still lost. I have more questions than answers — and that’s perfectly valid.

There are days we feel unjemarkable, yet we are still valid.